The Unexpected Visitor

It came unannounced and It was not welcomed. Supposedly I had unintentionally extended the invitation at a time when sun screen was for sissys... I sought panama jack's coconut oil. I was probably blowing a whistle and yelling about the flotation device that was not allowed in the deep end. Unaware that I had given permission for a future vist.

It came quickly and came dressed in drag - giving an appearance of something it is not...disguised as a clogged pore, wishing to be expelled. No, this came with hopes to convert - not to be eliminated.

The coo was not without pain. Burning and rioting the neighbors - consuming each one until their unvoluntary conversion gave strength and power to the intruder.

How do I repeal the invitation? How do I uninvite the invader? Some are forced into submission until they retreat leaving the host weary -like holiday guests who stay well into the new year. Others require sharp action - a lesson in boundaries. The converted neighbors are not the only loss; included in the eviction are the newly exposed and potentially influeneced. they must go too. A little yeast can leven the whole lump.

Knife and skill at work, gauze and thread to patch, microscope and observant eye to monitor and pronounce the victory.

Still, the neighborhood is not the same. There will be increased patrols, suspicians and accusations made if anything resembling the invader tries to sneak in. Perhaps heightened security at a level 50. All those efforts cannot take back the invitation extended more than 30 years ago.

Like all attacks, I have learned from it. I won't be so confused by the disguise next time. I am aware of the consequences of my unintended invitation made years ago. I have seen its limits and won't hesitate to take action if the intruder comes again.

Yearly check up

Well, it's time again for my yearly check-up. Even though I am "checking up" continually, once a year I write things down so that from year to year I can see change.

Last year I wrote, "I have been struggling with the idea of loving myself - more specifically my body. I am having a hard time with this idea, since I feel so betrayed by a back that won't let me walk more than 10 minutes and a weight that is headed for diabetes (since it runs in the family). I can't quite love my body because I hate it so much. Sigh. I've decided that "accepting" my body might be an alternative, after all, it is the only body I have. So, I resolve this year to accept all parts of my body and to develop a loving kindness of sorts towards myself."

Amazing, that just yesterday I told a co-worker "I can see how I am accepting myself in many ways - but I have not yet learned how to accept my body when I am not happy with it."
So, I can say that I have made progress in accepting my inside self - but I still have anger at the physical body. I fear that if I "accept my weight" for example - it means that I would not be cautious about what I eat. I suppose I could reword this and say "I resolve to eat healthily" - somehow that sounds lame to me. So, this goal remains on my list - Either do something about my body (back and weight) - or learn to love it. I'm leaning towards "Doing something." I've even said "Size 9 for 2009." A year from now I'll see how I did.

I have in fact "done something" about my back. I began using the stationary (or is it stationery?) bike in October. Since then, I have noticed that I can walk across the street to the Starbucks and back without my legs being numb! So - strengthening my legs has helped my back!!! Yea!!!!!

Last year I also wrote that "I resolve to speak gently about myself, to not beat myself up when I mess up, to not be critical of myself, but to extend grace and mercy to myself." I think I've been able to put this into practice - except regarding my weight.

Another item on my list last year was - "I resolve to wake up to what is happening in the moment; to observe my thoughts, my reactions, and to pay attention to feelings that come up in the moment." Again, this is something that I think is necessary for healthy living - and has become a part of my way of thinking.

One item that was on last year's list - that I am still working to incorporate as part of my normal thinking is "I resolve to use language that is less judgmental - to recognize that I don't have enough information to make a judgment about most everything." This is something that I am continuing to be aware of - and I want this on my list for 2009.

Those are my thoughts on this New Year's Eve. So, my final list - (to make it easy for next year's check up) is...
I resolve to DO something about my weight - size 9 for 2009.
I resolve to being aware of when I am making judgmental statements - towards myself and others, and will work to use language that is based more on what I can observe to be factual, rather than come to conclusions about events. (Example - "She didn't answer the phone" is an observation - "She doesn't want to talk to me" is a judgmental conclusion that may not be true.)
And - I resolve to practice creativity at least weekly - to on purpose do something creative.

The case of the lost necklace

It was my 53rd birthday celebration with the red hat ladies, even though we no longer wear our red hats when we have our birthday celebrations. Our group had dinner at the Elephant Bar - Lourdes, Lisa, Jodi, Sherry and I. We celebrate each other's birthdays and have done so for several years now. We usually give the birthday "girl" various gifts. Sherry presented me with a beautiful small box, saying "This is your birthday gift AND your Christmas gift." "Oooo It's something expensive" I thought. As I began to open it, whispers of "She went to Jared's" were heard - only instead of saying Jared's, we said "Gordan's". In the box was a beautiful necklace - white gold with a "C" pendant with little diamonds around it.

I put the necklace on the next day and proudly wore my birthday gift. Unfortunately, when I wanted to take it off, I struggled with the latch. I just couldn't seem to get the one side open and get the other side unhooked at the same time. Maybe it's because I'm 53. Or maybe it's my acrylic nails - or maybe my impatience. So I left it on.

Even as daughter Kim and I embarked on our journey east to see my parents, I left it on. "I'll get Kim to help me get it off" I thought at one point, but got sidetracked and forgot about it. And even as my sister Rose, Kim and I were in the backseat of my parent's car - on our way to swim at the "old folks home" - I thought about asking Kim or Rose to unlatch it for me. We discussed it in the car. We discussed it so much that we were thinking of all the "C" words that could be descriptions of "Carol." "C" for compassionate, caring, creative! I emphatically rejected "C" for critical and contemptuous, but accepted confronting and charismatic. Even after all of the "C" words, I promptly forgot to ask one of them to unlatch it for me with the excitement of getting into a pool and swimming a few laps.

I had my suit on under my jeans, so I whipped off the T shirt, got out of the jeans, threw my socks off and got in the warm water. So warm that there was steam coming up from the surface. In fact the whole "tent enclosed" facility was filling up with steam. In the hours time I swam some laps, hoisted mom's legs up so she could practice her kicking, taught Rose how to swim breast stroke - putting emphasis on the part when you're suppose to be straight like a pencil. Kim and dad froze on deck, sitting in the steamy tent watching us as we practice synchronized swimming - putting our hands in prayer position in preparation for shooting up like rockets and finishing with submersed torsos and a one leg in the air finale.

We decided it was getting too dark, dad and Kim were beginning to feel frostbitten and we figured we had burned off at least 400 of the 4000 calories we had consumed with pecan pie and pumpkin butter pecan ice cream dessert that Rose had found in the grocery store check out "75 Thanksgiving dessert" book.

I toweled off and put my jeans and T shirt on over my wet suit and got back in the car dad had been warming up for the wet T shirt beauties. On the way home someone asked if I had taken off the necklace. A sick feeling went over me when I felt around my neck for the wonderful caring "C". Now "C" stood for careless and clumsy - my old demons had come to haunt me. "Maybe its in the suit-" I said as I tried to feel around under my boobs. Nothing but cold tissue. By that time we had reached the house. We let Rose out so she could shower, I grabbed a few potato chips, dad got a flashlight and Kim took grandma's wet suit just in case she needed to do a night search in the pool, mom wanted to come too, saying we could not possibly find it without her. So back to the pool we went. It was 6:00 p.m.

Maybe it had fallen off when I had turned my T - shirt around (because I had put it on backwards after swimming.) No necklace. Maybe it had come off when I had whisked the t-shirt off to get into the pool. No necklace. We checked the deck - and even though it was dark and there were no lights in the pool area, we thought for sure we would have seen it if it had been on the deck. I had no other options but to don my goggles and do a bottom search. There were no lights in the pool, the tent area had filled up with steam but I thought I just had to try. How could I face Sherry if I lost my birthday and Christmas present so soon! Kim wanted to show her support by joining in the pool search, wiggling into grandma's wet suit while being hidden by the fog.

Down one side and back the length of the 25 yard pool. Down again and back, coming up for air every 15 feet or so and wishing I had weights to keep me on the bottom. Kim was trying to feel with her feet, her little toes touching in the search. What is that on the black lane line? Is it trash? Is it.. could it be? Yes! It is the chain- the thin white almost invisible links were on the black lane guide. That gave me hope that the "C" for continue was there somewhere. I went under again, just as I heard my dad say it was like finding a needle in a hay stack. And then I saw something that might be a pebble. Or was it? I brought it up and YES - it was the wonderful "C" for courageous.

We were amazed at finding it in the dark, in the steam, in the pool. Rose said it was because she had prayed. Dad said it was unbelievable and I was relieved and grateful. Next time I'll remember that "C" stands for careful and will take off my necklace before getting in a pool.

Thoughts considering another back surgery.

I've been told again that the only way to fix my numbing legs and painful back (when I stand) is to fuse L3 in with the already fused group L4, L5 and S1. L2 is OK right now... but is suspect.

On October 13th I received my second-ever cortisone injection - to ...hmmm, I didn't ever fully understand why? (come to think of it) ... was it to see if I get any relief from the injection? or the doc had to suggest it to make sure he had "offered" alternatives to surgery? Was it in order to consider just living with the injections? Another hmm. Well, anyway, I am again amazed at how much pain I am in normally - now that the shot is helping and my back doesn't hurt I can feel the difference. I thought I only had pain when I was standing for about 15 min. Now I see that there is excruciating pain and regular pain. Regular pain I have all the time. Excruciating pain I have after standing for a few minutes.

So with this new feeling of not feeling my regular pain, I ventured about for a walk. My hope was to be able to complete a 20 min. walk in the neighborhood without having to stop or bend over, without the excruciating pain kicking in.

Today the sky is rich blue. Brown leaves swirl on the sidewalk and across the street. Moms are walking with children, dogs on leashes. The sun is warm, the air is crisp. I'm optimistic. What a great day to be outside. "Hmmm. I can tell that my left foot is numb on the bottom. Down the back of my leg... yeah, numb too. Check the time.... What? This can't be right... It's only been 4 min." Think back... I guess I was on my feet for some time before actually walking out the door... regardless... even though I don't have the excruciating pain (which from here on will be called the "X" pain), I have a left leg numb. So I sit for a few minutes - watch the ducks. There are two jets passing overhead. A woman is using a plastic glove to clean up after her dog.

Back up - and home. Results of the experiment. - I still can't walk for 20 min. - with or without the injection. But I enjoyed my attempt, every 15 min. of it. I finish up my exercise time by doing 30 min on the stationery bike.

Still don't know if I should do the surgery or not. But I enjoyed being able to walk without the X pain. I wonder how I'll know either way.

Fall leaves

Yesterday Carter and I headed out for a motorcycle ride to Echo Lake - altitude at about 10,000 ft I suppose - the base of Mt Evans. We were a bit delayed in our start since she was dealing with Comcast repair people in her house. As I waited for her at the Walgreens - the agreed upon meeting spot - I made it a point to be present in the moment.

I laid on the ground under an Aspen tree whose leaves are still green down in the Mile High City. I focused on watching the leaves move in the breeze, then focused on the space in between the leaves where blue sky was shining through. At that moment, there was no stress, no worry, no anxiety about Wall Street and the future - just the blue space bordered by green leaves. That is peace.

When she arrived we agreed on the next stopping place (figuring I'd need a potty break) and headed off. We made our way up I-25 through traffic, over 6th Ave. towards the mountains and finally on Morrison Rd. After my potty break and glove switching (from light gloves to heavy winter gloves) we made our way through Morrison, Idledale, Kitteredge and Evergreen. As we passed the Evergreen lake on the right it began to sprinkle. "OK, a little rain is OK." we thought. Carter wondered if I was going to bail on the trip - calling me a wusze. (How do you spell "wuze" whuze? whoos?) Anyway - we made the turn off the Evergreen parkway on the road to Mt. Evans.

Immediately we felt the temperature drop. Ominous clouds loomed overhead, but we trusted in the weather report that predicted a front moving through on Saturday night - not Friday afternoon. As we turned corner after corner, the Aspens showed off their splender - bright yellow leaves made a glowing contrast to the green mountain background. The road was dark with recent rain, golden leaves scattered by our tires, and the radient leaves caught our attention. We stopped to take in the view - observing the blue spruce, the scrub pines and the glorious patches of bright yellow, some with faint red tips. No, it's not the fall colors we find on the east coast with all their reds and oranges and yellows mixed in. Perhaps it is the stark contrast between the dark green of what we usually see with the patches of bright yellow that make the Rocky Mountain fall leaves so spectacular. It's not the variety, but the contrast that impresses me.

We headed into the lodge for a cup of coffee and to warm up before heading back down to Beau Jo's in Evergreen for their famous Mile High Pizza. As we drank in the warm brew - our eyes widened to see that something was happening outside. "Is that rain? sleet? OMG It's snowing!!" Our next question - What should we do? Riding motorcycles in the rain is dangerous enough, but in snow? No way. We reassured ourselves that it would stop as we witnessed the dark road turn white. Sure enough, it quit - but not before we abolished the Evergreen eating plan and decided to eat there. Buffalo chili and quesadillas sounded great - so while the snow started and stopped, and started and stopped again several times, we ate.

We made the decision during a lull in the snow to head back. I donned my electric gloves and gave Carter my thick Harley gloves, since her's were thinner. She bought a hat to cover her ears (she doesn't wear a helmet) and obtained a plastic trash bag to cover her denim jacket. Poking out the head hole and arm holes and tying it in the back to keep it from flapping in the wind, and after clearing our seats of the snow and ice, we were ready to go.

We took it slow on the curves, knowing the road was wet and could be slick. Again we became the audience to witness the splenders of nature. Absolutely gorgeous.

Back through Evergreen, Kitteredge, Idledale and Morrison. Back to the heat of the city. Back on the interstate, cars, short sleeve bikers, shorts and T-shirts in the 80 degree Denver weather. Back to being normal again. Nobody else knew that we had just seen nature change before our eyes, that we were witnesses of the Splender of God on the road to Mt Evans.

Feeling judged

Today in group the mindfulness activity was to imagine youself at your funeral - who would be there? What would they say? Immediately I had the thoughts of people saying "She fell away, she was such a strong Christian, but something happened.... she let the pain move her away...." - all kinds of negative things that I imagined that some people might say. And I felt angry and afriad that they - (whoever "they" are) - would not value that changes that I have made - changes that I think are good and for which I'm grateful.



This activity brought to my attention several questions - Is this what I really think about myself? Am I projecting onto the "others" what I really fear in myself - imagining that this is what others would say - but deep down its what I say? .... or,.... Am I still so very concerned with the opinion of others - since being a "good example" has been such an all-encompassing theme of my life?


I was sad that I imagined that there would be only a few people there who would really appreciate my journey or understand it. And again I felt misunderstood - that button that to me has been a hot one. I recognize that it is my hot button - and my perception cannot be trusted in this area. I can feel judged when I'm not being judged.

I no longer think that I have the only light and I must let it shine - so that others not so enlightened might see. I no longer think that I have the truth - and there are those of us that do have truth and those that don't - and I can tell the difference because these people live like I think someone who has what I think is truth should live, and those people don't - so they must not have the truth. Again... a lot of judging going on.

So I'm wondering what is it that would be said that I think would be the truth? Maybe something about being committed to loving people, believing in showing forgiveness and mercy to others - and later in life she sought to be aware of her own judgments and felt very satisfied - not lacking anything - as she lived day to day. She discovered how to identify her feelings and how to express them and how to observe herself without judging. (Maybe I'll learn that before I die.) - and that she taught others to pay attention to their hearts and to continue to grow in order to believe that what God says about me is true.

I wanted to write this down, because it feels significant... and I didn't want to forget my thoughts. But now I'm tired of thinking about it and will just leave it at that.

Thoughts while reading The Power of Kindness

I began reading a new book the other day that was highly recommended from Dr. Lithe - the most intelligent one of my small group of friends. She said it had made a tremendous impact on her life and wanted us to all read it so we could all discuss it.

The first three chapters deal with Honesty, Warmth and Forgiveness. I've quickly been able to see that the author is pointing out not only how others benefit from my kindness, but how I benefit from showing kindness to others.

Regarding honesty, the author makes the point that every time I lie - even if it is a "white lie" - one given so as not to hurt someone else's feelings - my brain and my body will react with a bit more stress than when I am honest. I have struggled with not being completely honest with my feelings in order to avoid hurting another person. Perhaps in the moment I can avoid causing pain, but in the long run - telling it like it is is actually kinder. When I have been able to do that, I feel settled, at peace, and more whole than when I am less than honest.

Regarding warmth - the author stresses that as humans, we must have relationships in which we feel cared for, appreciated and known. The beauty is in knowing that as I give warmth to others, I am also feeling the benefit. I can't show compassion without being warmed in the process. Showing warmth then, is a way of not only being kind to others, but to myself as well.

Regarding forgiveness. Again - the author is pointing out that when I forgive, I am the one who benefits. Forgiving an offense means that I am no longer going to be angry over what happened; it doesn't mean I have to be vulnerable to being hurt again, it doesn't mean that I condone the action - it just means that I will let go of my anger over it.

It seems that - based on the first three chapters - being kind to others is actually the best way to show kindness to myself. If I set out to only be kind to me - I end up being self absorbed and narcissistic. If I set out to be kind to others - I not only will impact others, but I am reaping the benefit.