Feeling judged

Today in group the mindfulness activity was to imagine youself at your funeral - who would be there? What would they say? Immediately I had the thoughts of people saying "She fell away, she was such a strong Christian, but something happened.... she let the pain move her away...." - all kinds of negative things that I imagined that some people might say. And I felt angry and afriad that they - (whoever "they" are) - would not value that changes that I have made - changes that I think are good and for which I'm grateful.



This activity brought to my attention several questions - Is this what I really think about myself? Am I projecting onto the "others" what I really fear in myself - imagining that this is what others would say - but deep down its what I say? .... or,.... Am I still so very concerned with the opinion of others - since being a "good example" has been such an all-encompassing theme of my life?


I was sad that I imagined that there would be only a few people there who would really appreciate my journey or understand it. And again I felt misunderstood - that button that to me has been a hot one. I recognize that it is my hot button - and my perception cannot be trusted in this area. I can feel judged when I'm not being judged.

I no longer think that I have the only light and I must let it shine - so that others not so enlightened might see. I no longer think that I have the truth - and there are those of us that do have truth and those that don't - and I can tell the difference because these people live like I think someone who has what I think is truth should live, and those people don't - so they must not have the truth. Again... a lot of judging going on.

So I'm wondering what is it that would be said that I think would be the truth? Maybe something about being committed to loving people, believing in showing forgiveness and mercy to others - and later in life she sought to be aware of her own judgments and felt very satisfied - not lacking anything - as she lived day to day. She discovered how to identify her feelings and how to express them and how to observe herself without judging. (Maybe I'll learn that before I die.) - and that she taught others to pay attention to their hearts and to continue to grow in order to believe that what God says about me is true.

I wanted to write this down, because it feels significant... and I didn't want to forget my thoughts. But now I'm tired of thinking about it and will just leave it at that.