Yearly check up

Well, it's time again for my yearly check-up. Even though I am "checking up" continually, once a year I write things down so that from year to year I can see change.

Last year I wrote, "I have been struggling with the idea of loving myself - more specifically my body. I am having a hard time with this idea, since I feel so betrayed by a back that won't let me walk more than 10 minutes and a weight that is headed for diabetes (since it runs in the family). I can't quite love my body because I hate it so much. Sigh. I've decided that "accepting" my body might be an alternative, after all, it is the only body I have. So, I resolve this year to accept all parts of my body and to develop a loving kindness of sorts towards myself."

Amazing, that just yesterday I told a co-worker "I can see how I am accepting myself in many ways - but I have not yet learned how to accept my body when I am not happy with it."
So, I can say that I have made progress in accepting my inside self - but I still have anger at the physical body. I fear that if I "accept my weight" for example - it means that I would not be cautious about what I eat. I suppose I could reword this and say "I resolve to eat healthily" - somehow that sounds lame to me. So, this goal remains on my list - Either do something about my body (back and weight) - or learn to love it. I'm leaning towards "Doing something." I've even said "Size 9 for 2009." A year from now I'll see how I did.

I have in fact "done something" about my back. I began using the stationary (or is it stationery?) bike in October. Since then, I have noticed that I can walk across the street to the Starbucks and back without my legs being numb! So - strengthening my legs has helped my back!!! Yea!!!!!

Last year I also wrote that "I resolve to speak gently about myself, to not beat myself up when I mess up, to not be critical of myself, but to extend grace and mercy to myself." I think I've been able to put this into practice - except regarding my weight.

Another item on my list last year was - "I resolve to wake up to what is happening in the moment; to observe my thoughts, my reactions, and to pay attention to feelings that come up in the moment." Again, this is something that I think is necessary for healthy living - and has become a part of my way of thinking.

One item that was on last year's list - that I am still working to incorporate as part of my normal thinking is "I resolve to use language that is less judgmental - to recognize that I don't have enough information to make a judgment about most everything." This is something that I am continuing to be aware of - and I want this on my list for 2009.

Those are my thoughts on this New Year's Eve. So, my final list - (to make it easy for next year's check up) is...
I resolve to DO something about my weight - size 9 for 2009.
I resolve to being aware of when I am making judgmental statements - towards myself and others, and will work to use language that is based more on what I can observe to be factual, rather than come to conclusions about events. (Example - "She didn't answer the phone" is an observation - "She doesn't want to talk to me" is a judgmental conclusion that may not be true.)
And - I resolve to practice creativity at least weekly - to on purpose do something creative.